Well the more I think about everything that has taken place over the past several weeks the more I realize that this isn’t something that I can tell in one or two posts. There’s just too much. So I’m going to take it bit by bit and deliver it in pieces to the best of my ability.

So on to the sad stuff. Well sad to me, at least. You may find it ridiculous or even funny. I don’t know.

So, like I mentioned in the last post, we decided to approach Jinx with our proposition. That proposition being, basically, a marriage proposal between me, Blue, and Jinx. A full triad wherein our families would combine as one, commit to each other, and live happily ever after.

Once I had been convinced by Blue that she had really thought this whole thing through, and after many, many heartfelt discussions about the prospect of our triad becoming a reality had taken place, I finally allowed myself to actually consider it as a reality and not just some crazy idea that Blue had come up with to appease me.

This can be a dangerous thing, for me. I’m prone to let my imagination run wild when I latch on to an idea that appeals to me. I can easily get my hopes built up and, when something doesn’t happen like I had imagined it might, it can be somewhat devastating to me, emotionally. This situation was no exception.

The more I thought about it and the more Blue and I discussed it, the more excited I became about actually approaching Jinx with the proposal. The trouble was, it would be quite some time before we’d see Jinx in person and Blue and I had decided that the conversation was one that was best handled face to face. Making such a proposal over the phone was just too impersonal.

But I was practically bursting at the seems, wanting so badly to hear her say “yes” that I dropped a few subtle hints to Jinx during a few email exchanges about what we had in store. I didn’t say anything more than that there was something that Blue and I wanted to discuss with her and it was best handled in person but that was enough to get Jinx’s mind rolling on what that possible discussion would entail. And her eventual conclusions took me a little by surprise.

A few days before we were to meet with Jinx, halfway between our respective homes (we live several hours away from one another), she called to chat. Evidently her curiosity was getting the better of her and, after some initial chit chat, she told me “I don’t know if I’m ready to have your babies just yet”.

“What?!? Is that what you think we want to talk to you about?” I asked.

She told me that she figured it was either that or we wanted to ask her to move in with us. While that last bit was true, technically, what we wanted to ask her was way more involved and way more important, to us, than having a roommate. I didn’t quite know how to respond so I backed up a little bit. “Is there any chance that you’d be willing to come clean with [ insert fiance's name here ] anytime soon?” I asked.

“No, sweetie, it would hurt him too much.”

Talk about a kick in the nuts. And that is exactly what it felt like, too, it’s not just some analogy that I’m throwing out there.

I started to explain to Jinx the revelation that I had come to when I wrote the “Why Now?” post. I explained to her why I felt that it was wrong for us to continue a physical relationship behind [ insert fiance's name here ]’s back and, also, how I very, very, very much didn’t want our physical relationship to end. And how I very, very, very much didn’t want our relationship to devolve to “just friends”. And how I very, very, very much love her and want to continue doing so.

I then tried my best to explain what it was that Blue and I wanted to talk to her about. Admittedly, I didn’t do a very good job. I mean, seriously, I was an emotional wreck at this point and I’m surprised that I was able to formulate a cohesive sentence let alone explain something so complex as our proposal. When I had exhausted my best efforts at an explanation she told me “That’s not the kind of life that I want for myself. I want the life that I have chosen to have with [ insert fiance's name here ].”

Now I’m the kind of guy who doesn’t like to make others suffer at his expense. I also suffer from “martyr syndrome” when it comes to the ones that I love so my mind immediately went to “how do I make this as easy as possible on Jinx, considering the closeness of our families and the close friendship that still exists between us all, despite her choice about our physical and romantic relationship?”.

I told Jinx that I loved her very much, that I always will, but that I was going to try, really hard, to not be “in love” with her anymore. I wanted her to feel comfortable around Blue and I, I didn’t want her to feel pressured to requite my romantic feelings and felt that it would be in everyones best interest for me to stifle those feelings altogether.

When I told her goodbye, on the phone, and finally hung up, I was literally in tears. Hanging up that phone felt like losing her completely and I instantly felt like a hollow shell of myself. The only thing inside of me was blackness, an empty void, a vast expanse of nothingness that weighed so heavy on my soul that I would have gladly accepted death as an alternative. And, no, I’m not exaggerating.

Blue called me from work a little while later and asked me what was wrong. I told her about the conversation that I’d had, just a few minutes before, with Jinx. She told me to calm down, told me that she loved me very much and that she was sorry that I was hurting so much, and promised to come home early. She came home early, alright, and spent another couple of hours sitting in our driveway talking on the phone with Jinx before she finally came inside. I even went outside, at one point, and brought her a cup of coffee. She finally came in about an hour after that so we could talk.

That empty and hollow feeling that I described above lasted for several days. It’s what led me to write the “Goodbye, Jinx” post that you’ll find in last months archive. I thought it would help me to say goodbye by posting it but I couldn’t even bring myself to write it on my own.

The fact is, Jinx is going to marry [ insert fiance's name here ]. And Jinx has no intention of ever telling [ insert fiance's name here ] about the true nature of our relationship.

But the story doesn’t end there, not by a long shot. So, just like last time, I’ll leave you with

To be continued…