It’s been about a month since I decided to start figuring out the polyamorous side of my being and a question that comes up often when my wife and I discuss it is “what am I looking for” or “what do I feel is missing”. My answer has always been truthful in that I’m not looking for anything and I can’t think of anything that I feel is missing at all. When it comes to my wife and our relationship, there is not a single thing that I find lacking. And when my wife asks me questions like that, I ask those questions to myself and dig deep to figure out the answers. Being honest with my wife is easy. Being honest with myself is much more difficult but, when it comes to those questions, the answers were obvious. And I tried, at first, to reject them as my knee-jerk reaction so that I would force myself to dig deeper… but I always come up with the same response.

It’s been at least 2 years since I accepted that I’m polyamorous and, according to my wife, she accepted it long before then. It’s only now that I’m trying to figure it all out and I really think that the question she’s really asking me is much simpler than the above;

“Why now?”

That dawned on me at some point last night and I think it had a lot to do with whichever episode of the polyweekly podcast that I was listening to. I wish I could point specifically to the episode in question but one of the subjects that was discussed was lying. Specifically, dating someone who is lying to their significant other about your relationship, or cheating on a spouse or partner.

For example, you’re polyamorous (a). For the sake of simplicity, let’s say you’re in a relationship that is, for all intents and purposes, monogamous (a+b). You meet someone else (c) and, being the responsible and honest person that you are, you share the knowledge of your current relationship (a+b) with them as well as sharing the knowledge of your new relationship (a+c) with your existing partner. However, your new partner (c) is married and their spouse (d) has no clue about this new relationship. In other words a, b, & c are all aware of one another and the relationships involved but d is completely in the dark. c is cheating on d. c is lying to d.

Responsible polyamory is loving more than one person with the full knowledge and consent of all involved. Well in the example above, like it or not, d is involved. And d doesn’t have full knowledge about the other relationship and, most certainly, has not given their consent. By continuing a relationship with c, a is facilitating the cheating. a is facilitating the lie. And a is just as much to blame for facilitating that lie as c is for lying in the first place.

Well this morning on my drive to work, listening to another episode of polyweekly, someone mentioned the phrase “choosing the difficult right over the easy wrong” and the final piece of my puzzle clicked into place.

How does that tie into the question of “why now”?

As I mentioned in the previous entry, I am deeply in love with and married to Blue and I am deeply in love with Jinx. Blue and Jinx do not consider themselves to be polyamorous at all. Though we do, on occasion, engage in some adult activity together we do not consider ourselves to be a triad, or partners.

I’ve known Jinx for nearly as long as I have known Blue. Blue and Jinx have been best friends for years and, besides Blue, I would consider Jinx to be just about my nearest and dearest friend in the world.

Jinx is engaged to be married and, while her fiancé is fully aware of myself and Blue’s close relationship with Jinx, he is completely in the dark about the sexual nature of our relationship and my deep emotional feelings for Jinx.

Now it is my opinion (and an opinion that Blue shares with me) that Jinx is marrying this guy for all of the wrong reasons. I won’t get into what those reasons are but, if she goes through with this, I will be surprised if her marriage lasts longer than 2 years and, if it does, I can’t imagine Jinx being able to say that her life at that point would be a happy one. Of course I’m biased and I could be completely wrong. I’m also fairly intelligent, though, and there are lots of indicators or “red flags” about her relationship with her fiancé and the circumstances surrounding her engagement that the slightest application of logic forces one to recognize it as a disaster waiting to happen. But none of that matters right now because I know the answer to my question with complete clarity.

I decided to figure out who I am and what it is that makes me tick because I am about to face a loss that is going to hurt very deeply. I am about to face something that could easily be compared to the death of a loved one because I know, in my heart and in my mind, that I have to put an end to any sort of relationship, whatever acronym it’s supposed to have this week, with Jinx. All sexual activity will have to cease, all displays of affection be it cuddling, kissing, touching… all over.

I will still be friends with Jinx and I will still welcome her into my home with open arms. I will still be deeply in love with her and I will still have her as a part of my life. Anything else would be unfair to her, unfair to my wife, and unfair to the rest of our collective family. And that is going to hurt. In a major way. It’s going to hurt big and I know it. I won’t be able to ignore my feelings for Jinx anymore than I could ignore my feelings for Blue.

It’s not all about the sex. In fact, for me, it’s not at all about the sex. So you could argue that cutting off the sexual relationship with Jinx would be relatively easy. I wish it were so simple. While sex is not at the forefront of our relationship, sex is a way for me to express my feelings intimately with Jinx. My ideal is having Jinx on one side of me and Blue on the other, all of us naked and cuddling on our bed. The closeness, the intimacy, the euphoria that I feel… nothing else really compares to that. I feel that same closeness, intimacy, and euphoria when it’s just my wife and I lying there… but, when it’s all 3 of us, those feelings are doubled.

My wife once told me “you’re a very passionate person. When you love, you love big… and when you hurt, you hurt big too.” And she’s absolutely right about that. At least in this instance I have a bit of forewarning which I suppose I should be thankful for. I’m about to enter a long period of mourning, though, and I’m scared to death. But I know that it’s something that has to happen, and I know that I’m the one who has to make it happen.

God Dammit!

I don’t know if you’ll ever read this, Jinx, but know that I do love you deeply. I love you more than I could ever show you and I will always love you. I’m so sorry for the pain that my feelings might have caused you in the past and in the future.

And, Blue, if you ever read this, please know that the love that I have for you knows no limits and that without your love and support I would slip easily into the darkness again. I’m sorry for any pain that I might have caused you in the past because of my feelings… and I’m sorry for any pain that I might cause you in the future. It isn’t fair that you should have to suffer along with me. I don’t tell you often enough how much you truly mean to me. I don’t know that I could find the words adequate enough to explain it.

I’m really fucking scared right now.