I loved you…
by: Alexander Sergeyevich Pushkin

I loved you, and I probably still do, (oh, I do, believe me)
And for a while the feeling may remain…
But let my love no longer trouble you,
I do not wish to cause you any pain.
I loved you; and the hopelessness I knew,
The jealousy, the shyness – though in vain –
Made up a love so tender and so true
As may God grant you to be loved again.

…

I’ve heard there was a sacred chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don’t really care for music, do you?
It goes like this
The fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty
in the moonlight
overthrew you
She tied you
To a kitchen chair
She broke your throne,
she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Maybe I’ve been here before
I know this room, I’ve walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you
I’ve seen your flag on the marble arch
love is not a victory march
It’s a cold and it’s a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

There was a time
You let me know
What’s real and going on below
But now you never show it to me, do you?
And remember when I moved in you?
The holy dark was moving to
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

I’m going to miss you.

I already do.

Terribly.

To live in this world, you must be able to do three things: to love what is mortal; to hold it against your bones knowing your life depends on it; and when the time comes, to let go.

–Mary Oliver

I’ve recently edited a couple of posts for a number of reasons that don’t change, at all, the content of the posts.

First, I screwed up my algebraic formula in this post a bit and I have since corrected it.

Second, I had decided, when I wrote the post above, that it would be the last post to this blog because a big part of me didn’t want to delve any deeper within myself than I already had. I didn’t like what I had come to figure out and, emotionally, a blog was the last thing I wanted to deal with.

After discussing it with my wife, I decided that, for all of our sanity, I should continue to write if for nothing more than the therapeutic value. When I started the blog it was something that I had no intention of sharing with much of anyone, really, unless it was completely anonymous. I don’t consider myself to be a skilled writer and I don’t want or need an “audience” to speak to. I just wanted to get some things out and putting then seeing them in print helps me to do that. So I’ll continue to write. I won’t promise that it will be on a regular basis or that it will be edge-of-your-seat excitement but it will be things that I need to explore about myself. You’re certainly welcomed to watch, comment, criticise, and laugh, if you like, but I’m doing this for me more than anything.

Because of this, I have replaced the initials that I had used in place of names (I hate that whole thing anyway) with nicknames for my wife and our girlfriend. Not only should that be easier for you, it is tremendously easier for me because the two of them have extremely similar first names. Using their first initials is right out so I opted for middle initials instead. Since referring to either of them by their middle names is not something that I do on a regular basis (if ever) I found myself constantly checking then re-checking what I’d written to make sure I hadn’t crossed any wires.

So the content and substance of the posts have not changed, but it’s a bit easier to read and, well, my algebraic formula is now correct. :)

There is a posting by Kathleen on Polyamory from the inside out titled Being Poly is like being Gay? that I started to reply to in the comments section but it eventually turned into much more. I had talked to my wife a few days ago about whether or not I would continue to write on this blog and it just so happens that this is what I had been tempted to write about. Anyway, Kathleen starts her post like this

I was on a forum where a man asked when the rest of the poly group “realized” that they were poly, as if it is something that is always there just waiting for you to discover it. I didn’t care for the question.

Are you predetermined to be poly? I don’t know if some people are, but I am sure that I am/was not.

Unlike a lot of the people that I’ve met or spoken with in the “polyamorous community”, I’m not trying out a lifestyle or exploring a different way of being. I am now and have always been polyamorous. This was not a product of my upbringing at all. In fact, it was something that I was raised to disdain. I’ve been called selfish, evil, wicked, a sinner and a plethora of other unpleasant things because of my emotional state of being. My older brother, who I had always been extremely close to once told me that I was the most selfish person he’d ever met in his life. Our relationship as brothers nearly died completely that day. In fact, it took over 5 years before he and I spoke again. My sin? Being in love with one person while being married to another (whom I also loved).

Unlike most of the other people that I have met or talked to, I’m also not trying to figure out how to fit polyamory into my life. I’ve been fighting against it for over 30 years and, well, I’m sick and tired of fighting. I am who I am. The concept of monogamy isn’t foreign to me but that’s just the thing… to me, it’s just a concept. My wife is not polyamorous and her feelings on some issues and her reactions to some of the things that we’ve discussed are nearly impossible for me to wrap my head around. I understand the logical progression of how she got from point A to point B but, try as I may, I can’t truly relate.

It would be like asking me to relate to being gay. I can understand it, I accept it, I don’t look poorly on someone who identifies themselves as gay… but, to me, it’s still just a concept and not a part of my reality.

I can’t help who I am. Believe me, I tried. I tried for over 30 years and it almost took my sanity.

If that isn’t being “born poly” then I don’t know what is.

In fact, think about yourself. As a child we are raised to love many people. We are raised to love our parents, our siblings, our grandparents, our aunts, our uncles, our cousins, etc. And when a new sibling is brought into the picture, we don’t love the siblings who came before less just because there is a new sibling to love. We’re taught that love is a renewable resource, that it knows no boundaries, that the world would be a better place if we loved one another more. But when it comes to romantic love… none of those rules apply? Suddenly an invisible switch inside of our hearts is flipped which makes the person that you’ve chosen to be with your “one and only love” with no possibility of an emotional bond from another?

It could easily be argued that everyone is born polyamorous and is taught monogamy.

Here’s an interesting tidbit for you; Did you know that monogamy wasn’t heavily practiced until around 500 years ago? It was introduced, for one reason, as a way to simplify the division of assets upon the death of the husband. In fact, over 70% of the worlds cultures today still favor a polyganous family structure (one man with multiple wives).

And here’s something else that Kathleen stated in her post that I wanted to touch on:

It never occurred to me that I would be anything but happily married in the future when I was younger, and I was looking for long term from the moment that I started dating.

Hey! Guess what! Me too! When I married my wife, I vowed to be by her side for the rest of my life. It is a life long commitment that I am thankful, every day, that I made. In fact, it’s that same kind of life long commitment that we’ll be asking our girlfriend to share with us in the next few weeks.

Yeah.

Go figure.

It’s been about a month since I decided to start figuring out the polyamorous side of my being and a question that comes up often when my wife and I discuss it is “what am I looking for” or “what do I feel is missing”. My answer has always been truthful in that I’m not looking for anything and I can’t think of anything that I feel is missing at all. When it comes to my wife and our relationship, there is not a single thing that I find lacking. And when my wife asks me questions like that, I ask those questions to myself and dig deep to figure out the answers. Being honest with my wife is easy. Being honest with myself is much more difficult but, when it comes to those questions, the answers were obvious. And I tried, at first, to reject them as my knee-jerk reaction so that I would force myself to dig deeper… but I always come up with the same response.

It’s been at least 2 years since I accepted that I’m polyamorous and, according to my wife, she accepted it long before then. It’s only now that I’m trying to figure it all out and I really think that the question she’s really asking me is much simpler than the above;

“Why now?”

That dawned on me at some point last night and I think it had a lot to do with whichever episode of the polyweekly podcast that I was listening to. I wish I could point specifically to the episode in question but one of the subjects that was discussed was lying. Specifically, dating someone who is lying to their significant other about your relationship, or cheating on a spouse or partner.

For example, you’re polyamorous (a). For the sake of simplicity, let’s say you’re in a relationship that is, for all intents and purposes, monogamous (a+b). You meet someone else (c) and, being the responsible and honest person that you are, you share the knowledge of your current relationship (a+b) with them as well as sharing the knowledge of your new relationship (a+c) with your existing partner. However, your new partner (c) is married and their spouse (d) has no clue about this new relationship. In other words a, b, & c are all aware of one another and the relationships involved but d is completely in the dark. c is cheating on d. c is lying to d.

Responsible polyamory is loving more than one person with the full knowledge and consent of all involved. Well in the example above, like it or not, d is involved. And d doesn’t have full knowledge about the other relationship and, most certainly, has not given their consent. By continuing a relationship with c, a is facilitating the cheating. a is facilitating the lie. And a is just as much to blame for facilitating that lie as c is for lying in the first place.

Well this morning on my drive to work, listening to another episode of polyweekly, someone mentioned the phrase “choosing the difficult right over the easy wrong” and the final piece of my puzzle clicked into place.

How does that tie into the question of “why now”?

As I mentioned in the previous entry, I am deeply in love with and married to Blue and I am deeply in love with Jinx. Blue and Jinx do not consider themselves to be polyamorous at all. Though we do, on occasion, engage in some adult activity together we do not consider ourselves to be a triad, or partners.

I’ve known Jinx for nearly as long as I have known Blue. Blue and Jinx have been best friends for years and, besides Blue, I would consider Jinx to be just about my nearest and dearest friend in the world.

Jinx is engaged to be married and, while her fiancé is fully aware of myself and Blue’s close relationship with Jinx, he is completely in the dark about the sexual nature of our relationship and my deep emotional feelings for Jinx.

Now it is my opinion (and an opinion that Blue shares with me) that Jinx is marrying this guy for all of the wrong reasons. I won’t get into what those reasons are but, if she goes through with this, I will be surprised if her marriage lasts longer than 2 years and, if it does, I can’t imagine Jinx being able to say that her life at that point would be a happy one. Of course I’m biased and I could be completely wrong. I’m also fairly intelligent, though, and there are lots of indicators or “red flags” about her relationship with her fiancé and the circumstances surrounding her engagement that the slightest application of logic forces one to recognize it as a disaster waiting to happen. But none of that matters right now because I know the answer to my question with complete clarity.

I decided to figure out who I am and what it is that makes me tick because I am about to face a loss that is going to hurt very deeply. I am about to face something that could easily be compared to the death of a loved one because I know, in my heart and in my mind, that I have to put an end to any sort of relationship, whatever acronym it’s supposed to have this week, with Jinx. All sexual activity will have to cease, all displays of affection be it cuddling, kissing, touching… all over.

I will still be friends with Jinx and I will still welcome her into my home with open arms. I will still be deeply in love with her and I will still have her as a part of my life. Anything else would be unfair to her, unfair to my wife, and unfair to the rest of our collective family. And that is going to hurt. In a major way. It’s going to hurt big and I know it. I won’t be able to ignore my feelings for Jinx anymore than I could ignore my feelings for Blue.

It’s not all about the sex. In fact, for me, it’s not at all about the sex. So you could argue that cutting off the sexual relationship with Jinx would be relatively easy. I wish it were so simple. While sex is not at the forefront of our relationship, sex is a way for me to express my feelings intimately with Jinx. My ideal is having Jinx on one side of me and Blue on the other, all of us naked and cuddling on our bed. The closeness, the intimacy, the euphoria that I feel… nothing else really compares to that. I feel that same closeness, intimacy, and euphoria when it’s just my wife and I lying there… but, when it’s all 3 of us, those feelings are doubled.

My wife once told me “you’re a very passionate person. When you love, you love big… and when you hurt, you hurt big too.” And she’s absolutely right about that. At least in this instance I have a bit of forewarning which I suppose I should be thankful for. I’m about to enter a long period of mourning, though, and I’m scared to death. But I know that it’s something that has to happen, and I know that I’m the one who has to make it happen.

God Dammit!

I don’t know if you’ll ever read this, Jinx, but know that I do love you deeply. I love you more than I could ever show you and I will always love you. I’m so sorry for the pain that my feelings might have caused you in the past and in the future.

And, Blue, if you ever read this, please know that the love that I have for you knows no limits and that without your love and support I would slip easily into the darkness again. I’m sorry for any pain that I might have caused you in the past because of my feelings… and I’m sorry for any pain that I might cause you in the future. It isn’t fair that you should have to suffer along with me. I don’t tell you often enough how much you truly mean to me. I don’t know that I could find the words adequate enough to explain it.

I’m really fucking scared right now.

I think it’s appropriate for me to introduce myself but it’s probably important, first, to tell you who I am not. Hopefully this will all make sense at some point so, please, bear with me just a bit.

I am not someone looking for something or someone to fill some void, real or imagined, in his life.

I am not some creepy guy looking to get laid more often.

I am not a two-timing bastard who cheats on his wife.

I am not an expert on anything, including myself.

I am not unsatisfied with my marriage.

I am not monogamous.

I am not a swinger.

Got all of that? I hope so, because I want that to be crystal clear while you read about who I am.

I am a happily married father of two.

I am a professional who lives and works in a fairly progressive large city in the South-Eastern United States.

I am an avid believer in God, the bible, and a good bit of what passes for Christianity these days.

I am madly, deeply, passionately in love with my amazing wife (who I will refer to as Blue).

I am also madly in love with Jinx

I am polyamorous.

I’ve known about the existence of the word Polyamory for at least 15 years but didn’t want to believe that there was any real validity to it. Maybe that’s because I first discovered it on usenet where I watched person after person either trying to pick up others or being hit on themselves. To my way of thinking, it was just a convenient label for people who wanted to cheat but justify it somehow. And, no, I don’t mean “cheat” in the sense of the word that you might be thinking. I meant cheat as in “cheat at life”.

I had been raised with a very strict religious upbringing. Monogamy wasn’t an option, it was the de facto standard unless you intended to remain single. So when I asked my Father during a bible study one evening (I might have been 7 or 8) why men in the bible had lots of wives but men these days didn’t… and how come we never read about women having lots of husbands… well, let’s just say that it didn’t go over so well.

I’ve fought against polyamory for most of my life. I’ve been made to feel like I was some sort of deviant or that something was wrong with me. Frankly, I’m pretty sick and tired of trying to fit into a mold that just doesn’t work for me, and I finally accepted that I am polyamorous about 2 years ago.

That was 2 years ago and here I am now, finally trying to figure it all out.